You won't believe me, but...

It wasn't always like this.

There were always things that were high maintenance or difficult to navigate. I was expected to serve her a lot. My codependent background primed me for that. But I think she really loved me.

But yes, things were one sided in a lot of ways.

The stuff I said about vitamin B1 dementia, or alcoholic dementia, it really, really rings true. That has symptoms of loss of empathy, loss of higher order thinking, and feelings of paranoia.

The kids told me some very, very strange paranoia stories this past week.

"
It’s power and control a disordered individual wants most. "

Wow.... Wow..... Wow....

She has tried SO hard to be dominant and controlling.

I'm so used to giving in to keep the peace. Now it's beyond repair and I have the kids to focus on.

It is blowing her mind that she isn't getting her way with every request she's making.

I believe I see her, the real her, the her that's beneath all the alcohol damage and the trauma she grew up with. I can see her, and she IS wonderful and beautiful. Years ago a counselor identified that I was willingly accepting abuse because I was hopeful for a change.

Things aren't going to go her way, they aren't going to happen on her schedule, she won't get everything she thinks she's entitled to, and the world is going to crash down on her. I'm scared it will break her, and her friends won't be there.

She's not evil, she's damaged. But she can't pull us all down with her, and her damage can't keep effecting the family.

Disordered people don't like boundaries. They don't like "no".


Oh.... An update..... I've successfully kept my distance from the attractive woman who was so complimentary to me. Some of those early feelings are subsiding. She's wonderful, but I'll wait until I'm healthier to explore anything. I was thirsty af for some positivity, and I like being partnered to someone, but not yet.

RDM