Its been awhile since I have logged into this account. It feels whenever I do, I am near my whits ends. (Read my previous years posts for a background story.)

Last night, my husband called me my mother again. I have a love/hate relationship with my mother, because although she tried as much as she could to protect me from my father, she became just as much as an abusive narc. My mother is so self absorbed she even gave me her name as my middle name, and my husband will call me by it to light a fire.

I get told im like her now more than ever. That I am dirty, (yet, i am a sahm all i do is clean!!), that I overtalk to be heard (cant ever listen), that Im basically a terrible person. He knows the wounds he is picking at when he does this. And he doesnt stop.
So, last night I went to bed. Alone. Again.
He still works nights so the 2 hours hes here with me beforehand were spent with him on the couch and me holding my breath in the bedroom. The only thought that could calm my mind down was that if I went to sleep, I might not wake up.

I hate living like this. I hate imagining a life without my family together. He has bipolar and Im my fair share of mental health matters too..
I just need someone to pray for me.
I feel really really weak.
I feel unseen, and have no friends, so Im just bottled up inside.
I am not my mother, but I am a mother.
I am not my mother, I am me.