I don't understadn...I was fine a few minutes ago..my hands they are shaking so bad..all it took was a minute and everything fell apart..I always become so weak when I am alone.

Why do I hate myself so much?? Why do I change on a drop of a dime?
I woke up fine..and then BOOM...I wasn't fine..for no reason at all.
I feel so lost..so empty..I am hollow and nobody cares..everything is fine in my life...why do I feel this way. I can hardly type my hands they are shaking so much.

I sit here twirling a paper clip back and forth in my hands..I want to so bad..I stay away from the knives..I know I can't control myself with the knives..

I started drinking..I don't know why..I've been trapped in this vicious circle since I was 13...I shouldn't..I work later..but I am..even made sure I didn't eat so it would make me sick. I want to cry but I have no tears..am I even real?

Inside I am crying..screaming..I don't understand..I don't understand why I hate me..I don't understand why I get so %#@&#! unstable..I don't understand why my feelings change on a second's notice...I'm crying on the inside..why can't the outside match the inside..

I feel so guilty..I cry and whine..I hurt myself..others have it worse..have gone through worse..yet here I am..being a horrible selfish person..if my parents knew..if my parents could see the monster I am when they leave..I'm a bad person..God I hope my little sister never finds out what a horrible person her big sister is..that when I don't have anyone home..when she isn't here for me to take care of I turn into a monster..
Alone..Alone...Alone...What happens..What happens to make me this way..I don't understand..I think I am crying..I can't feel it though..so numb..so %#@&#! numb.