I cried within the first few minutes of today’s session. I told R about my positive test on Sunday.

‘What is the impact of that for you?’
‘Everything gone, and when everything goes…’

I crumbled at that point, and R urged me to let it come out.

‘Let it pour out, Lost. You’ve been holding that in. Have you felt alone with it all week?’

I couldn’t speak, so I gave her a thumbs up.

‘Lots of time to think.’
She asked a few more questions about my experience of COVID.
‘Other than a burning sensation in my nose, I feel OK,’ I said, and then sneezed. ‘And there are the nosebleeds.’

‘Are nosebleeds a symptom?’

‘I think it’s just where I have sneezed and shredded my nose.’

I continued. ‘Before all this started, I got an email from one of my favourite mental health charities with the subject line ‘The End of an Era’.’

‘Which charity is that?’

‘Have you heard of The Blurt Foundation?’

‘No.’

‘Well, you won’t now, because they’re closing.’

‘Funding?’

‘They said there were many problems.’

I told R about the Saturday newsletters, and how they became my ritual after Steve.
‘We both know why there haven’t been any of those…It’s like what you said a couple of weeks ago about being supported without having to ask.’

‘I think I did this,’ she said, interlacing her fingers.

‘There was a common kind of cheerleading…it’s not that, it’s resourcing.’

I spoke about how I would open the Blurt emails at different times of my Saturday according to need.
‘Sometimes I opened them before work, if I wasn’t feeling very confident, or I might open them after work to help deal with the slump.’

I wasn’t sure I had spoken about the dip in my mood after finishing work, but I was surprised when she said she could relate.

‘Not just work, but anything.’

I remarked that the newsletter had left me scrambling to find something else.
‘It sounds like you didn’t know how beneficial it was until it wasn’t there.’
‘A lot of it was stuff I have already got from our relationship, but it’s always good to have a reminder.’
At that point she clocked me trying again to figure out how to hide my image, unsuccessfully.

We had a brief chat about her Zoom issues.
‘I keep asking myself what I need and coming up empty.’

R explained that when she asks that question, the answer is sometimes not practical.
‘It might be that I need some peace, or some space, or to talk to a friend.’
“I need this to not be happening” is resistance.’

‘When you ask what you need, and you can’t answer, where does that lead?’
‘If we take the point at which you start to know yourself as being a teenager, I have known myself half my life. I should be able to answer that question.’

‘There we go! You should…and should leads to shame & guilt.’

R continued ‘Guilt is “I did something bad”. Shame is “I am a bad person,” or “There is a part of me that is bad.” When we are in shame, it is difficult to ask for help and support, because we don’t want to be seen.’

‘I’ve just had a realisation!’

‘What landed for you when I was talking about shame?’

‘Is there a shame component to my grief for Steve?’

‘Good question.’

‘I don’t feel able to pick up the conversation I mentioned in my latest email, but the start of that is…Because I respected and admired Steve, I feel as though I should be OK with his choice.’

R said she wanted to challenge that a bit. ‘Wouldn’t the connection make it harder?’

‘None of the other people I have loved and had to say goodbye to…I will go to great lengths to avoid using that word…’
‘You’re fragile today. You are allowed to protect yourself.’
‘None of those people had a choice.’

R said that it might be possible to separate the person I admired from the choice he made.

‘You felt respect, admiration and love for Steve, but his death brings up anger…’

‘Disappointment.’
‘Disappointment, and loss. Those things belong to his decision to end his life.’
R pointed out that she’d reached a new understanding of me as a result of today’s session.

‘There seems to be a layer of shame over everything here. I’m going to talk about crying…There’s a layer of shame that is a barrier to you getting the support you need.’

‘Yes, but isn’t shame just The Critic in a tux?’

‘When you said that, I pictured a moustache as well.’

‘By the next time I see you, I’ll draw it.’

‘That might be a really useful exercise.’

Our breathing was a mixture of cleansing breaths, releasing tension and anxiety, and connecting at the third eye space.
‘I’m praying you get a negative test soon, so you can get back to your life.’

‘Thank you.’