Holding on..little by little I'm trying to gather myself together..I made a really strong pot of coffee..ate a litte something..threw the paperclip away..hid all the knives in the kitchen..put them in a drawer so I can't see them..the alcohol is still there though..can't throw it away..it's my parents..if I did they would ask questions..so I won't go in the kitchen..or at least try not to go in the kitchen. Holding onto my stuffed cheetah..my little dog is curled up on my feet..she always knows when I turn into a monster..she always knows when I need something to ground me..

Still feel dizzy..my hands are still shaking..I hate that I have to go to work today and pretend I'm perfect..that I have to pretend I'm so happy..I hate lying..I hate this mask I wear..

I want to see a T..in a way..but I don't want to see one when I have no car of my own..then my mom would have to take me..I would be to scared to talk..to scared she could hear and be hurt..to scared she would hear that I kept secrets from her..that I hid the mail like Dad told me to so mom wouldnt' know that bad things where happining..to scared that she would hear all the money my dad has borrowed from me just so we could eat or have heat in the winter..to scared to hear that sometimes I'm scared of her because she gets really vilonet when she is angry..to scared..

I don't want the T to make me relive that horrible day..I don't want to rember it..I don't want to rember the carwreck...I went to one a month after it happened..I wanted to punch him in the face..how dare he ask me questions..I don't want to rember..I don't want to admit I have bad feelings..

I want to go..but I don't..because I am weak...I'm not strong enought to live up to my emotions..I don't want to talk about things that make me sick or make me breakdown..I have to always be strong..I can't let myself fall down in the presence of others..I'm scared that if I saw a T they would lock me away..they would see how much a danger I am to myself..

I just have to keep fighting myself..reminding myself that I can't cry..that my emotions are bad..because they make me do bad things..because if I get to emotional one day it could be the end of me.