So I reached out to four potential therapists, to see if they have availability, and if they felt they could work in the way that I need. I heard back from two, who have no availability, and from one just wanting some more information as she only ever sees people once a week for 50 minutes. Given the responses I have always seemed to get from people, I do wonder whether I am not the 'normal' client. Do other people not have any problems sitting in a chair talking to a therapist? Is it only me that seems to completely lose the ability to speak? It's not only with therapists either, it happened with R today. He was asking me something about something that is happening tomorrow, and I couldn't answer because what needed saying couldn't be said. I really tried, yet all that came out were these weird noises. And then weird actions. He is so understanding, and patient. I couldn't ask for anyone better, in that respect. He gave me the time and support I needed to be able to find my own way to communicate, and eventually I managed to use some plates to try and tell him a little bit more of what was going on for me.

I do worry whether your average counsellor will have any idea how to work with me. I'm not even sure you have any idea how to work with me, after a year and a half, and with all your supposed training and experience. You seem so lost at times. I thought it was me that was supposed to be lost, and you who were supposed to be the guiding light!

I've no idea what the fourth person will say, not what the one who asked for more info will come back with. I'm not even sure whether or not I will tell you in Tuesday that I have reached out. I might not say anything at all, and yet, I will also be bringing a bag so that I can take all of my things away with me, just incase I decide not to come back the following week. It just doesn't seem to be working between us, unfortunately.

I guess only time will tell what happens next.

Me