I keep waffling back and forth between feeling like splitting up is the right thing to do and wanting to beg her to try again. I feel like I am two people right now. The first one is rational and knows that it's over. He's thinking about the future and even somewhat looking forward to it. The other one is an emotional wreck who wants nothing more than to go back to the way things were years ago.

Of course, the problem is that the emotional child in me screams a whole lot louder than the rational adult, and while I can ignore him sometimes, other times I am absolutely overwhelmed by his grief and his refusal to accept the truth. And the crazy part is that the rational side knows I'm not in love with her anymore either. But the emotional side won't let go. He's angry and chaotic and afraid and I hate sharing my head with him.


He interrupts at the worst possible times. I can go for a few hours feeling ok, and suddenly, there are those thoughts, reminding me that my entire adult life has ended and I have to start over at the age of 49. All of the things we've built are gone. The financial stability we fought hard to reach is gone. The thoughts announce his arrival. He ALWAYS follows them in and he begins filling my head with nonsense and fear. He lies about her, he lies about me. He makes me question and second guess every interaction with her. He tells me I'll be alone forever and he tells me no one else will ever want me. He tells me she will be happy while I will be miserable.

And I'm terrified that he's right.