On one of my earlier posts, I told y'all that T asked if I could switch my apointment with him from Thursday at 3:00 to Friday at 3:00. I say okay, no problem. Of course, after that I started wondering if he was just trying to increase the length of time in between sessions.

Well, Friday I showed up at his office a little before 3:00. I waited about five to ten minutes. The phone rang and the receptionist answered it.

Now, Fridays are the days that T schedules court. I don't think he ever knows exactly when he will be back. So, the secretary told me that he was still at court and wouldn't be back for my session. What a brilliant attack. I was really injured.

If he was trying to totally %#@&#! me, he did a great job. Let's see, I'll move your time from Thursday until Friday to make you wait longer. Then, I'll let you come to my office just to be told that I won't be there. WTF?

I asked him to give me a call and he did. He was like, "I said I"m sorry." ? Now I promise you he'll give me the, "how to deal with disappointment" lecture. I am trying to deal with so much in my life now. I am nothing to him. I know that's as it should be. But it still hurts. I just feel like giving up. I would do anything to make him really care about me, but devastatingly know the truth, reality. There's no undoing the past. I'll never be free. I can't stand his aggressive techniques. This onslaught is more than I can handle. I feel more worthless and hurt. Is he trying to get me to leave so he won't have to ask me to leave? I so badly want him back the way he used to be. I've totally ruined that and have no one else to blame but myself.

Quite a few people who I care about are sick, dying, or are just plain sick of me. I am helpless, I can't control any of this. My stepdad is dying of congestive heart failure, he is terrified. All I can do is sit and talk to him. I can't go with him. I can't keep him here. He is alone, as we all are.

LET THE MASS EXODUS BEGIN. I knew it would end this way. I just knew it.