I’m so depressed. I just want to curl up in bed. My only other idea is to ask my pdoc for Emsam. However he is a new pdoc who I am seeing for the first time next Tuesday. And according to reviews he’s kind of a jackass. I’m gonna give him a chance but I’m not holding out too much hope. My old pdoc doesn’t take my insurance anymore so I asked my social worker in the hospital to get me a new one. I could go back to my old one and just pay out of pocket but I’m tired of that place. Every time I get hospitalized I get kicked out of the program and I have to do another intake when I get out. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will be hospitalized again in the future. It just is what it is.

It’s starting to warm up so I’ll be able to go out for walks again. Maybe that will help my state of mind. I feel very fat. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. Maybe I’ll lose a little weight.

We’re going to Florida on April 7th for spring break. I don’t want to go. I hate going on vacation. It’s not fun for me. I like taking day trips and weekend trips but going away for a whole week is too much for me. But I have to do it. CR is very excited.

Ugh. I just want to go back to work, it’ll take my mind off of being so depressed. I miss my kids. I go back on Monday.

I have my last ECT treatment tomorrow and I want to skip it but RS has already taken off of work to take me so I’ve got to do it. Oh well.

I guess I’ll just have to pull myself out of this on my own.