Today’s session also ended up being rather insightful. R arrived and commented on my big smile.

‘I’m getting a lightness from you today. I don’t know what’s going on below the surface.’

‘Normal life is wonderful! I’m grateful to be back doing normal things. Thank you for fitting me in virtually last week, which should have been the first thing I said.’

‘That’s no problem. How are you now, in this moment?’

‘On what level?’

‘That’s a good question. I meant as a whole.’

I spoke about my renewed sense of being valued.

‘When I went back to work on Tuesday, my colleague said how nice it was to have me back, and the participants gave me a round of applause!’

‘You can’t deny that now.’

‘On another level, it took a long time for the conversation we had last week to settle.’

‘That was going to be my next question. We went quite deep in that session.’

I explained the conflict between what the man from the Samaritans said and what I heard.

‘I don’t know why they were two different things.’

‘That can happen if we’ve been shut down in the past.’

‘It would make sense if conversations have been shut down in the past. It makes sense because conversations have been shut down in the past.’

R and I began to talk about my experiences of reaching out for support more specifically.

‘What happens when you are in that space?’
‘When I open a new e-mail for example, the feeling comes first and then there’s the thought -why are you making this public? Nobody else needs to know.’
‘That’s interesting, because I am not public.’
‘When I finally get over that hurdle, I’m not met with judgment.’
‘What do you receive?’
‘Endless empathy and compassion.’
‘Can you hold on to that?’
‘For a bit.’
‘But then it melts away?’

‘Yes.’
R was the one to bring the idea that I feel as though I’m a burden into the room.
‘ I appreciate that there’s a level of sensitivity required when talking about this subject but this seems to be a real barrier to you.’
‘Yes.’

‘If we talk about it between us, I used to be shocked at the apologies within your emails. It was as if you’d done something terrible! What makes you able to press Send on an email to me?’

‘This is where I can say things that sound weird?’

‘Yes.’

‘I have a mental record of some of our most connected conversations, and I will go back through and find my digital notes, and remind myself of the relationship.’

‘That’s interesting. I have never thought ‘Oh no, I’ve got an email from Casey!’

She continued.

‘If you were talking about an email you’d sent to someone else, I would be reluctant to comment, but because we are talking about the relationship between us, I can say that I don’t have a problem with your emails. Some of them are just wanting to share something or wanting reassurance…but you put so much work into them.’

‘Each email is like a project.’

R said that she hoped I might reach a point where I can just send an email.

‘I go back to Alan. I don’t know whether you have a file of messages from him, but you have the evidence that he wants to support you.’

I bemoaned the fact that my need for emotional support is greater now, at the time when my ability to ask for the support is reduced.

‘Of course, the reality is that what I want isn’t ****ing available….I don’t know where that came from.’

‘You let some of it out!’

‘There’s a sense of holding, but in a pejorative way.’

Towards the end of the session, R pointed out that I don’t really have a choice in terms of needing help for some of my physical needs. Perhaps the two things are related.

Our breathing focused on releasing tension.

This week’s affirmations were:

‘I have a right to share my experiences.’

‘There is nothing wrong with expressing emotions.’