You have shared a lot about your situation. It’s hard to face the reality verses what you wanted in your relationship and your family. You have gotten overwhelmed in trying to address everyone’s needs. You have been repeatedly been told you were not good enough and you allowed yourself to believe the mess is your fault. This is exactly what individuals that have strong levels of narcissism want because they get control.

You have been blamed for your children not wanting to be around their mother. That is all about her behavior that is controlling and unpredictable leading to your children genuinely not feeling safe.

Your children must learn to be strong and have boundaries. This is what they need so they don’t fall victim of abuse as adults. Narcissistic individuals avoid strong healthy people who have boundaries because their games don’t work. Instead they do better with those who have low self esteem and weak boundaries. These years are crucial for your children. It’s hard to face realities when you want the ideal of love you hoped for. Yet you simply cannot change other people. And if you don’t pay attention and set boundaries an unhealthy person can wipe out everything you worked very hard for. And they don’t even care and will expect you to enable them. You are not a bad person if you say no and set boundaries.

You need to arm your children before they go out into the world they need to speak up and that often starts in the home.