SUFFERING.

I know I said I come here more seldom, but this day has been so hard that I need to talk to you.

I am sitting right up and down like if I am glued to my chair. I have a lot to do, but does not do anything as of moving my body will harm me!

I have pain in my face as if something has changed after the massages in shoulders, neck and arms. Some years ago I went to a "whole person massage" where the massage therapist had an education in the relationship between tense muscles and emotions. It was really helping, but I had to move because of shift in the job. So I could not continue with that therapist.

I tried another with this "whole person" approach ,but he was too technical for me. I didn't feel like he was there together with me where I needed him to be.
The Massage therapist I now have is usually good, but neither him or I knew abut the inflammation in my shoulder. I think I will take a break from him, but on the other hand I feel that I am letting him down if I stop. I am only one of his many patients, so why should he feel failed be me? (This is complete idiotic).

I have been so full of the feeling that I am hurting others for the time being. So, as already told, I feel that if I cancel my appointment, I am failing him. I thought thoughts like that was passed far back in my student therapy many years ago. I have had this strange feeling of failing others the last weeks, so it is a change in my usual way of functioning.

In the same weeks I have used more Valium then I am allowed to use. I have taken a higher doze, tried to wean it off, but ended up with a new higher dose and so on. It "pricks" in my face when I go down in doze and my mouth feel numb.

After trying to wean off the last days, I felt so tense today that I was afraid of becoming mad, losing control or whatever. I wanted to scream out loud. It is only 20 mg, but old people shall not have high doses. The ordinary dose I am on is 2 1/2 mg.

Sorry for ranting, but to come here is the only place I know about where I meet people that probably will understand or at least accept my feelings.

I do feel better after coming here with the Valium inside (but there comes days after this where the dose has to go down again)!

Does anyone have an advice for me?