So I’m such a spaz I backed out of my grandmothers (curved) driveway and went in the wrong direction. I backed over her mailbox knocked it over. The only comfort I take is that the pole was rotted through so it didn’t take much to knock it over. She’s not mad but I feel like a jerk. It just adds to my general low feeling about myself. Plus my car is pretty heavily scratched. I don’t really care about that but RS does.

Oh well. It’s done with. RS is at a fishing tournament today which adds to my general terrible anxiety as well. I wish I could get some Xanax from my new pdoc but I don’t feel comfortable asking for a benzo at the first meeting. I’m afraid he’ll think I’m drug seeking. It really would be helpful though, I had a panic attack last night and was very uncomfortable until my seroquel kicked in and put me to sleep.

There’s a daffodil festival tomorrow in the next town over. It’s supposed to be a very nice day so we’re gonna go and walk around.

I go back to work Monday. I don’t really know if I’m in a fit state to work but I don’t really have a choice. If I’m not going to continue with ECT treatments and I’m not going to do a program I have no excuse to stay home. And I’m surely not going to do a program, I just got out of one in august.

I can’t describe how I feel right now. Just low. That’s the only way to say it.