Tisha, stay strong and resolute. You know that by going back, the issues and patterns will only just repeat themselves. It's been unhealthy and toxic and has not changed, despite ALL your best efforts, that have included couples therapy. Even that did not work or change things.

It's only natural to have mixed feelings when leaving a long-term marriage. And of course, you will feel pull on your heartstrings. But please, for your own health, sanity and mental health, do not give into those emotions and stay the course with a divorce. You will regret it sorely if you try again. You know the drill at this stage, and you've tried absolutely everything possible.. you even tried a relationship course with him. Did it change anything? NO.

Stay grounded in the realities of the relationship, the persistent issues, and the toxicity of it all. It DID make you sick, and it is my firm belief that it is the abuse and constant gaslighting that made you ill.

I also have wondered... why are you not angry? Where's your outrage and anger going, at how you were treated? I think you've let him off the hook, by explaining away and excusing his poor treatment of you and gaslighting ways, as though he only just has poor communication skills and unknowingly does things to upset and hurt you.

ALL abusers know full well that they are hurting the person they claim to love. And ultimately, it's what they want in order to be in control and in power over their partner. Gaslighting is a conscious decision on the part of the abuser - they know what they are doing to their partner, and it's on purpose.

Get angry.. get livid... you deserve to be treated with respect and loving care at all times.. and not the nonsense that he dished out to you.