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LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
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Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
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Default Mar 27, 2023 at 01:48 PM
 
Dear T,
I'm not sure where all the stuff came from today about the OCD. I've apparently been holding onto it a long time, though I guess it came up somewhat recently (then I dropped it). I wonder if you were afraid I'd say something regarding being obsessive about you? I mean, yeah, that's there at times, but the other stuff is more disruptive to my life day to day.

I don't know why I feel so much shame around it. It's a diagnosed mental illness. Maybe some of this helps you understand why I struggle to get constructive things done, like writing or cleaning. But like I said, it makes me feel dirty. I don't know what that's about, or what that's the word that comes to mind (especially as some of it relates to fear of contamination). Clearly, it's something we need to spend more time on. And getting me to a place where I can eventually get that test done, though that mostly involves issues other than OCD.

Also, it does bother me that you seem to think I can't do that 100 miles in a month thing. I almost want to do it now just to prove you wrong. Is that a bad reason to do it? Maybe. But if it improves my physical health, maybe it doesn't matter the reason? I know you want me to set realistic goals and not beat myself up if I can't do something. But I think it's worth trying?

I do still want to talk about my first session with you, for you to look back on your first impressions. I wonder if that's something we could do Friday, before you go on vacation? As it would hopefully be a bit lighter and also connecting.

Love,
LT
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