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Aviza · 09:19 AM

I have surgery friday, it's a simple outpatient procedure. Removing a ployp from my rectum.

Possible trigger:

I'm hoping I die, hoping for some calamity that kills me.

i know it probably won't happen but I'm tired of trying, living, tormented by regrets. And I want out out. No I won't kill myself but it doesn't stop me from from begging God to take me out of life.

I've prayed to die, my mom even said your dr thinks your going to die. I've told my dr my feeling. He said tell them no heroic efforts.

My dr thinks I stopped my blood thinner too soon and still have a blood clot. he wants me on lifetime blood thinners. Due to my history of blood clots. He's probably right, but I hate blood thinners. I have to avoid my favorite veggies.

I want to be healthy in life but I want to die and a blood clot may be my sudden death and my dr is trying to prevent it.

I've been married 3x what am I supposed to go for 4? Marriage sucks for me it's awful. I give up. Basically I enjoy life but my mom is going to die, than what?

Possible trigger:

I'd rather die...

First my dad's death was hell on me. That's when I cracked. Yes I'd have an inheritance but that doesn't matter to me except when it does.

I'm just stuck in these feelings. I'm eating my feelings today. 4 days til surgery.