(Let me know if the post is too long and you don’t want to read it. I will try to shorten it so some more people might help me, if there are any)

I’ve never posted here or any other therapy related websites and communities before. And I never thought I would, but here I am.

Just a preview, this is basically my rant about my masturbation addiction and my sexual fetishes that I hate. I want to get rid of them and tone down my masturbation frequency I guess. Advice is very appreciated, but even if I don’t get any replies, at least I’m talking this out and trying to make progress. Thank you

I am 19 male. I am a virgin, which probably is important here. I am not that much concerned about the fact that I’m a virgin. But I feel like this issue that I have is playing a huge part in it. I’ve been masturbating since I was 8 (did it rarely, got into it with puberty). Last 3-4 years I’ve been masturbating a lot more frequently, and the last 1-1.5 years I’ve developed the cuckold/netorare fetish. This happened because other things just don’t do it for me anymore. I’ve been doing it so much that I’ve went through tons of different fetishes. These fetishes were fine at first, just some kinky stuff maybe. But not anymore. I will try to convey it as much as possible; I imagine myself in cuckold place, being dominated by other women and stronger men. Also black men. This does have homosexual part in it, which is partially what turns me on. But I don’t think I am gay. I might sound as if I’m just denying it for myself, but I gave it a lot of thought. I don’t like men and never have. I like women. I recently had a crush on someone and it was a girl. By the way, I just realized it, but I never once imagined this girl in my cuckold fantasies (not even fantasies, I don’t fantasize about it, I just imagine it for the sake of masturbating). Not once. I masturbated to my crush a few times and it was normal vanilla stuff, if you can call it. I also never imagined someone close to me in these scenarios.

Now, about my masturbation addiction in general. I don’t know when it started, but I’ve bern masturbating regularly for years. Basically every day. Multiples times a day in the last year. I’ve tried to make self challenges like NNN. In 2021 I managed to hold for like 7 days. In 2022 I hold for 10 days. Recently I proposed to my friend with the idea of doing it again, basically betting money on it. I hold for 11 days. I could make a whole different post about what was going through my mind in those 11 days. I had so much thoughts and monologues inside my head. Contemplating, bargaining, denying, stopping myself. Well, a whole different story. In the end I madturbated to cuckold stuff again. We both lost the bet around the same time.

So now I know that I can at least do a week without having much trouble with it. Even doing it 1 day a week but 3-4 times in 1 day is better than just masturbating 1-2 times every day. But if I want to hold myself, I really need to put my mind into it. I can’t find this in me as of now.

But masturbation in general doesn’t bother me as much as my cuckold fetish. Sometimes I end up masturbating to normal stuff (well, at least what I consider normal comparing to cuckold) and I am glad about it afterwards. But I noticed that I doesn’t give me nearly as much pleasure during the process. Not the pleasure, but the arousal. I don’t get as aroused compared to when I masturbate to cuckold things.

I’m looking for ways to get rid of this. I think if I want to get rid of the fetish, I need to masturbate rarely and then anything will do instead of cuckold stuff. But then again, 11 days is my record and I can’t withheld often. Although it’s wrong to say that I can’t. I just don’t. And I gotta find strength in me to do it. Another thing that I feel might help me is exercise. I am pretty skinny, and exercising will give me testosterone and maybe I will feel more manly from it. I don’t know if it’ll actually help. I guess I just need someone to assure me, give me advice. Anything. But either way, I am glad I’m doing progress by even typing this out and posting it. Did same thing on Reddit, but got no response.

Also, I don’t wanna and can’t really do actual professional therapy. Yet. I won’t be able to hide it from my parents (bills, insurance letters, me being under 21, idk, something will just leak out). And I don’t really believe in people giving good advice and helping for money.

Thank you for reading it.