It's a relief to hear that you have no intention of subjecting your child to counseling with her.

My first real post on this forum was about being asked to join DH in his counseling session. Even though he admitted to perpetrating abuse on me, the counselor shifted the blame to me for apparently not using stronger boundaries during this surprise attack. The whole time, DH sat there looking like a hamstrung, pathetic victim. I've since come to learn that it's very common for manipulators to be very successful manipulating counselors. It's frightening, because they don't care what it takes to win, they have no integrity or shame. The rule of thumb I've been told is that if they have no ability to show you genuine empathy and concern, don't go to counseling with them.

The last time I upset DH recently, he smiled through the moment, but then the following day broadsided me that we needed to go to marriage counseling. (The thing the day before had nothing to do with our marriage- it was something he was procrastinating on and I went ahead and got done before it was too late. ) I knew he was upset, and was anticipating that he was going to come at me with something soon. Suggesting counseling is an amazingly manipulative ploy. It's emotionally loaded, he's just pointed out that there's a serious problem, and has attempted to put the responsibility of fixing it on me. If I refuse to go to counseling, how can he fix it? There are some good articles online about why you should never consider relationship counseling with a narcissist. There's just so much potential for the true victim to be victimized even further, by not only the narcissist, but by an unknowing counselor as well.

Thank you for protecting your child this way. It was mind numbing to have gone through this as a middle aged person.

I recently read a book titled the covert passive aggressive narcissist, it's good if you're looking for something along that line, and explains how you can be married to someone like that for decades without understanding what it is you're living with. I found it a bit of a difficult read (emotionally), but also very eye-opening. There are some good YouTube channels that talk about covert narcissism as well, and you might be able to find something that's more specific to your concerns that way.