I'm not looking for any free pass, what I mean is I cannot recognise for myself when I'm heading down that path, I just don't have the "early warning system" in my brain

If I could recognise the early warning signs then I'd be able to stop myself in my tracks, but I just don't have brakes for it in my brain. i do want to prevent outbursts but like i said i cannot recognise the early warning signs for myself

If i wasnt so stupid i'd learn the early warning signs and stop before i got anywhere near the line of "the staff have to do something"

I have literally been screamed at years ago by a admin on a forum before - my so-called crime? not wanting to have anything to do with her pet member - this is literally what she screamed at me about - as in literally

cause the moderator told me and admin's pet to ignore each other, which i did, admin's pet then kept posting in my threads to get a response out of me, if I completely blanked her she ran to the admin to say "its not fair, this member who we got moderator ordered to ignore each other is ignoring me" the admin took her side cause she was admin's pet, she would scream at me if I ignored her pet and she would scream at me if I said anything to her so i could not do the right thing no matter what

thats why getting screamed at by a admin literally triggers me, I'm not referring to a message of "you did this wrong" i'm talking about when they send messages to threaten and scream over something that either isn't in the rules at all or if they set me up to fail as in "no matter what you do, its wrong" - even to the point where if i make a spelling mistake i get a furious admin after me for daring to SHOCK HORROR not be able to spell something

Another example of having a admin coming after me, I'm not exaggerating, one forever banned me for not being able to touch type - cause I missed something their moderator said, due to the fact I was having to look down at the keyboard, and instead of accepting my apology and explanation of "I was typing, I can't touch type, I have to look at the keyboard and not at the screen so I missed something a moderator said", admin there decided to ban me for it

Another example is getting banned literally for being unable to spell a moderator's name cause the moderator got pissed off and offended cause how very DARE a member have dyslexia

Another thing a admin had a go at me over was being offline one night when another member there was doing a suicide to herself (I logged back in, to the news that the member had suicided, reason I was offline was I had to sleep, and I never did find out exactly what went down after I went offline to sleep, by the staff there's own admissions I was one of the most supportive members there, so to this day I still don't understand why the admin turned against me there when I literally hadn't done anything - apart from go offline to sleep, that's literally all my "crime" was - time zone differences meant me and the member I got on well with, couldn't always be online at the same time

I'm willing to own up to things if I have actually done wrong but:

1) how exactly is dyslexia and being unable to touch type, deserving of having a admin screaming at me? and forever ban time?

and 2) How exactly is it my fault, going offline to sleep one night, then going back onto that forum to recieve a really nasty accusing message from the admin, basically telling me that cause I'd had to get some sleep, that I was a evil scumbag and was responsible for the suicide of a member there who I got on really well with?