I think I’m mostly terrified to let go because he is security for me. That’s why I really want to keep attached in some way. I’m so disappointed in him for all the bad things. I find so much about him I don’t feel comfortable about. I love him in a family sort of way. I’m too hurt and angry to keep loving him in a romantic way, too traumatized, it just really was not good or healthy with us. I’m just so scared to be alone with no one to be there for me in some way I may need. It doesn’t make total sense because he wasn’t there emotionally how I really needed, but he was there for much else. I know I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I’m being selfish in thinking there can be a benefit without my having to give it my all.

I plan to try to have a real, honest discussion with him when he gets back to see what he wants moving forward. I won’t accept his usual response which is just lip service. It doesn’t even make sense, nor is it healthy, that he would just keep making false promises that we will miraculously be better and keep going back. He is just being manipulative in doing that. It hurts me so much that he is fine with us being together while he knows I am miserable. It’s so sick.