Yes, I have labeled him an abuser because he does not possess the empathy I think he needed to have to make me feel good. I truly believe he has an abnormal deficit of empathy, as does my mother, and my one sister. His deficit of empathy caused him to become completely absorbed in his media addiction and his seething anger and envy regarding his job. When I complained about feeling neglected and being dissatisfied and upset about it, he would passive aggressively look like he was listening to me while I did a lot of talking, agreed to remedy the problem to please me, and then not. When this happened time and again, and I became emotionally dysregulated from extreme exasperation, he acted defensive and sullen, did not comfort me, did not get help from professionals and truly do the work, did not make honest effort, let me go “down the well”, tried to ply me with substances to self medicate and make me compliant to giving him sex the way he wanted. I played into it.

I don’t know if people consider him an abuser. I am not supported by my mother at all. She knew this was going on for decades. I have been reaching out for help and told her for years. I finally stopped telling her years ago, when my sister told me that Mom complains that I call her to complain about my problems.

I had a conversation with her yesterday and feel like I don’t want to talk to her again. She told me he loves me very much, is a great husband, that I would have to have my head examined if I left him. I told her that I actually did have my head examined and it turns out I am very ill. This relationship has made me very ill. No comment from her. The emotional invalidation I have faced my whole life is unbelievable. So the message I learned from dear ol’ mom is it is okay if I am miserable and crying hysterically every day as long as a husband is willing to be with me and paying my bills. I suppose that is the message. I’m not even sure what she bases her opinion on that he is a great husband. He is committed to me. He is generous with material goods. He is a pleasant person, not openly mean.

I used to think her opinion was because she thought he was going to financially support her. Well he isn’t and she now knows it. So why she is still having this opinion that is so invalidating of me is beyond my comprehension.

It hurts and I am feeling like I am backing down yet again. I am the boy who cried wolf. I am a laughing stock, an obnoxious, miserable shrew. Okay, I own that. Guilty as charged. I am not a victim. How about it is me who is the abuser?