((RD)) right now you are facing some challenging realities and truths you tried to avoid facing. The truth is that you never really had an adult partner. That is what is missing when a person is codependent and is manipulated into enabling.

Your children had been expected to also be codependent and enablers. Your oldest reached out for help because he knew there was a need for adult intervention. This is what individuals that meet at Alanon meetings talk about. They express how lonely it is and how tired they are being the codependent and not really having an adult partner. You are not the only one that really loved someone that could not be an actual responsible adult partner.

Most that I met really loved their partner and they got to the point where they were emotionally exhausted. I went to a family marriage counselor who met with both me and my husband together and also separately. My child was just beginning her teen years at the time. This counselor told me that my husband had the maturity level of about a 13 year old. This counselor told me that he would push my buttons to mother him and that I had to stop allowing him to do that. I felt like a single parent with two teenagers longing for an actual adult partner.

The thing about alcoholism/addiction is the constant blaming of others and pushing buttons to be mothered/parented. Yet, at the same time being controlling. Your daughter struggling with anxiety is an unfortunate result when a child grows up with an unbalanced and unpredictable parent. Your daughter in her own effort to fix this challenge is very vulnerable to developing an addiction as well. I have seen this at Alanon meetings where both parents got sober and were dealing with their children who became addicts.

I tend to try to be cautious when someone presents with confusion like you because I know the person loves their partner and is looking for a way to fix the problem. I know the person first needs to understand what they have been dealing with before being told to leave their partner.

You do not have the perfect family. I know you wanted it so badly. The truth is hard, I know, but you are facing the reality of the dysfunction. This leads to wanting another adult to help. This does not mean you are a failure. Seeing realties can get overwhelming and yes lonely. There is no quick fix, and the journey forward is not an easy one. You will have these days where you grieve how what you wanted was not real and did not happen. Believe me there are others who suffer the same way.

What you really need is a therapist that specializes in what you are facing that becomes that adult presence you are craving as you try to be the adult presence for your children. It’s especially upsetting when the children need to completely distance from a parent.

It’s ok to sit and write out what you are feeling. It will help you see that you at times still cling to the illusion of what you wanted that is not going to be. It’s also ok to desire an actual adult partner and ever so slowly realize how long you had wanted that and went with out.