My friend's death seems to have triggered my depression, which was just starting to improve a little.


I also ran out of my sublingual THC spray which was helping me in the evenings when the depression seems to hit hardest. Just a few mg (not enough to get high or even feel an effect). I did re-order it.

So last night it felt like a semi truck hit me and I felt forlorn. When I went to bed I couldn't sleep until 3am. Woke at 10am and couldn't get out of bed and just lay there for over an hour.

She was just a friend but in my mind a bit of a maternal figure as she was 20 years older (although 10 years younger than my cruel narcissistic actual mother - who of course is still alive and fine).

My grief is complex. Maybe I feel like I lost something I never really had, which was her love. I said "I love you" in our final phone call, but she didn't say it back. But with 3 brain tumors and her husband in the background telling her what to say, I'm not sure she even fully remembered who I am.