While I appreciate the openness and vulnerability of your statement, I'm not there yet.

I'm not that interested in saving myself. I'm interested in being able to give the kids a good home,and to look after some aging family, and to be emotionally available to people I love. But saving myself, for MY sake, isn't in my thoughts yet. I've reached a point of having short term things I look forward to. I'm not able to look long term positively yet. Once I start really moving forward, maybe self preservation will kick in more.

I took our youngest to a counselling session on Friday. Kid came and asked me to come in at the end. Kid had a handful of rolled up scribbler pages. The counselor said kid read over 15 pages of notes of things they've seen at home. Counselor said to kid, your mother isn't allowed to come here to sessions with you and I'm advising very strong boundaries for a year, perhaps more.

Then counselor said, You're extremely strong. I began to cry, and said no, I don't think so. She said, yes you are extremely emotionally and mentally strong. You've endured abuse without retaliation, and raised beautiful children with little support. Your wife was drawn to you because of your strength. She needed you to fill something for her but it can't be filled.

Then counselor said, you need to go home and have fun and have closeness and love each other before kid's anxiety becomes chronic. Your kids are STILL in their formative years. They need to stop walking on eggshells. Talk about your wife a little, but play and love each other a lot.

So.... Today we met up with some friends and family at a fun restaurant an hour away and ditched all our chores.

RDM