I'm going to take a completely alternate view point on this one for a moment.

It's in our nature on this board to be supportive of someone who posts, but self examination is important too.

I'm not wishing my situation onto you. I self examined for years wondering what I was doing wrong. BUT, going to a counselor and saying, "Is this me, am I perceiving this incorrectly," may be valid.

My wife tore me apart for years, and I was certain it was my fault. It changed when the kids became older and I began to see them receive her anger too, and began to see them be frustrated and gaslit like I was.

BUT.... My wife remains convinced that this is all a grand manipulation perpetrated by me to turn the kids against her. The anger we have all seen from her never occurred, and in fact, it was her receiving my boundless anger and insults, she says.

This is what is real to her. This is what her senses, and her perceptions, are telling her is occurring. Just as I have been going to a counselor, she has also been going to a counselor, lamenting how poorly she is treated at home.

What you are experiencing sounds horrible. What you are experiencing sounds familiar. What you are experiencing sounds a lot like a borderline personality pattern. Before you make a decision, self examination is important.

That is a hard one to hear, but it is true. Self examination is important. Make sure your feelings on this are accurate.

Something can feel very, very real, and terrible, and overwhelming, but still not be reflective of the actual events or the verbal exchanges that happen.

Ask your partner to go to couples counselling. Address these perceptions with another person in the room.

My wife refused every request for couples counselling, family counselling, or counselling with just her and the kids for years. Ultimately I was able to say, "She is right in her own mind, but that is all."

Consider examining and ruling out your own perceptions first.

Approaching a problem from a "Could this be me?" standpoint is important, but you can do it in a way that puts accountability onto your partner as well.

The next time your partner gets insulting you can say, "It really hurts when you talk like that. I don't think I deserve it. I don't want to lose what we worked so hard for. Will you commit to couples counselling with me? I want to talk with someone about these things."

Just some ideas.

RDMercer