You will get there in time. Be patient with yourself through this process. It's a most difficult process, leaving an abuser and it's complex, filled with conflicting emotions that pull you in a thousand directions at once. Have compassion for yourself too. You were abused, and there were repercussions. And I suspect that even with the few volatile moments with your mother, that it impacted you deeply as a child and likely traumatized you at that age. Please be kind to yourself, be proud of how far you've already come and be proud of yourself for standing your ground on refusing to be abused any longer.