And my doctor says the most simple stuff - I KNOW it helps. I'm trying to do the right things. It's just super messy. I procrastinate, and struggle like everyone about the same things.

Sure, some delusions of grandeur. Who cares. It's balanced. I'm not causing trouble for anyone, I'm just thinking. That's all I'm doing is THINKING. Because I find it hard to ****ing do things out of paralysis and maybe nihilism? Who would ****ing guess after what happened. It's PTSD.

"Oh then why don't you just take MDMA?" - I took it when I didn't even know that I was needing to integrate another traumatic weirdness in the psych ward. I was isolated and neglected, and didn't know any better. I didn't ****ing know what to do. I'm still learning.

And the.. waiting for MDMA psychotherapy, again.. for society to progress + I get heart palpitations from SSRIs. So not a good idea, to do all of these things myself.

But that's all I had. I was left in the dark. It was all deceitful, hidden evil. And it happened to everyone I GUESS. Everyone's on their phone, not talking to each other or connecting IRL. It's a mess.

And then the searching about what it all means, what it is.. I did that for a few years - But I seek more. I try to balance it, the way it's supposed to be.. Or whatever chemicals my brain can form long term about that type of balance.. But in the end, people can make up what ever they want. There's no such thing as death, but outside entities (Because we're human and mirror that type of pattern, like God being some old man with a white beard in the clouds), they influence every day life - And evil people channel them into this world.

It's evil, and to find ... cuz it's purgatory, a hallucination.. People can be lucky and find peace.