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Apr 06, 2023, 10:34 AM
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Desert Kitty hates titles
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Location: TARDIS
Posts: 12,348
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jesyka
Snip:
Your former friend obviously didn’t respect your boundaries. Some people deliberately test your boundaries & violate them if you don’t enforce them.
My honesty made her uncomfortable, so she yried hard to gaslight & manipulate me She used my insecurities against me by telling me that her other friends don’t like it when I don’t want to play the boring & hard strategy games that they do.
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I don't know how I could enforce anything as I couldn't predict or control what hurtful things came out of her mouth. And in hindsight I see how uncomfortable she was with deeper stuff or feelings, which is part of what a genuine friendship is. One time I was in such distress and had no one to call but her. She asked me what books am I reading!  Was it to distract me or her?!
Another former "friend" was always gaslighting me by invalidating me and saying stuff like "You just have to believe ________" Or "Oh well that's not so bad." The former statement was to end an uncomfortable subject and the latter was to invalidate me. Note the word "JUST" in the former, like it's that simple. Just believe and it will work. That's toxic positivity.
She was always projecting stuff onto other people, such as giving advice because SHE likes advice. And SHE liked playing this game a certain way, to earn more points, so she'd tell me (and others) how to play HER way to earn more points because it was important to HER. Even when I told her I don't care about points, I'm just playing the game for FUN. I'm not competitive but she sure is.
I don't know why we all went along with her. HER day/time, HER rules, HER way. Looking back I was only able to take her in small doses and that's not good. I don't miss her. A friend is someone I feel safe with, someone to be myself with---warts and all. That wasn't her. Not by a long shot.
I watched a Dr. Phil episode on the "loneliness epidemic" in the US and some poll said over 60% of adults in this country say they are lonely. (I don't know about other countries but wonder)I can't stand him but wanted to hear what his guests and the audience has to say. This is including those with family and friends. They still feel unable to connect. Many go online for a substitute friend, because they find it easier to talk to strangers on a screen than real life people. It's especially common among the young! And his guests were young people.
American culture is shallow in my opinion anyway. It's about consumption and productivity. Look how hard it is for a work/life balance or to find support on grief, anxiety, divorce, finances, etc., any of life's crap and there's plenty of it.
Not sure if consolation is the right word, but I get SOME consolation hearing how common it is. And ghosting too.
Lately I wonder so much about people around me, wondering if they are lonely: The person in front of me at the grocery store, the person next to me on the treadmill, the neighbor in the laundry room, the mail carrier, the person next to me waiting to across the street too, etc. etc.
When I see so many people on their phones, I wonder if they are texting an acquaintance or a close friend? And if they are reading something, is it a message or just a news article? I keep thinking how does this happen that I'm not getting any messages except from scammers? I get calls or texts from scammers or telemarketers everyday, but I wish so much it was from REAL friends.
I get SO FEW calls at home that I literally jump when it rings! Sometimes I make sure I still have a dial tone.
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