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Originally Posted by nonightowl
Thanks, whew! I thought I'm seeing things, lol.
You're right in that when people treat someone that way, they do not like or respect them. Real friendship isn't that at all.
I do think that when they say "It's not you, it's them", it's true, only in the sense that when someone ghosts a person, it is about THEIR immaturity or lack of courage or communication skills or whatnot. It's also that they don't care enough about the other person to be honest and choosing to ghost instead.
It's true everyone has stuff on their plate, but I agree with you that a REAL friend MAKES time for you. That bs about "I've been busy" is just that, bs. They CAN take the time for you and they would, even if to SAY it's been crazy but they are still thinking about you and wanting to check in.
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Anyone who knows me, knows I love to cite sources. :P
Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them - Hey Sigmund
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We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
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Again, my belief is that anyone who uses the 100% lame excuse, "it's not you, it's me," is trying to escape being held accountable for their actions. If people were just more emotionally mature enough to communicate how they feel with each other, then this lame excuse wouldn't be used as an emotional shield, per se, to deflect the other person's emotional response.
i.e. the OP's situation about her sharing her Spain vacation photos. That was a cool trip and she shared it with this group of women acquaintances online, whom she's also spent time with in person.
Instead of congratulating the OP on her vacation and commenting on the photos, and reciprocating the OP's efforts to maintain their connection to the OP, these women just basically ghosted the OP without any context. So, yeah, it is about them not prioritizing the OP's feelings or expression of joy at finally taking a great vacation after the horrible 3-year long pandemic that Covid-19 was.
OP, if you're still reading...those women aren't good friends. They're just 1/2 invested in their connection to you. It sounds like you realized this and lowered your expectations (which is the best response).
Keep trying to find women to befriend. Women friendships are so good for our soul. It's hard because at our age (the 50s), most women have etched out their lives and aren't emotionally available anymore to other women friendships. At least that's been my experience (sorry for my projection).