Grounded a little bit by working tomorrow - So I have a reason to go to bed. Cuz I procrastinate going to sleep, and find it hard to wake up.

I was really dissociated, looking at the news and thought, "Oh *... "

The friend I talk to.. with autism, is manic.. and it tires me. There's so many thoughts that I have, like I used to be really manic.. But I've changed.. At least, I don't know what way I'm supposed to be like..

Kindness, understanding, positive human emotions.. Sure, all of those things are pure - Like a family member of mine said, "People keep having to learn their lessons in life, until they finally get it" (Like with his kids, doing meth and such - They're sober now..)..

It's a real mind *... The absurdity... I chose hedonism.. and that's still what that friend is like (Except the strangest part, manages to do things when I didn't). All I did was bask in the euphoria and then crash, having unimaginable despair.

But all of this was the way I healed from so many things, after the experience I had.. I was traumatized still.. I gave up, isolation, neglect. I mention this stuff too much.. But with "Self" and "other", I see no difference (Like an infant, experienced meditator, or schizophrenia).

I used to just hand everything over.. to the hospital. I was naive. My mom should have sued them for the stuff that happened.

- Patients taking my money, buying me crack to smoke with them? Trying to manipulate me, take advantage of my fragile mental state etc, for sexual reasons too?

And my childhood friend deleted me cuz I mentioned the specific drug.. But I was only 18 - What did I know.. With the Abilify and 80mg of Prozac too, causing severe impulsivity..

And it just continues.. I learned so much though. A blessing and a curse (If you stretch the spectrum of those are as wide as my whole life/soul). And I will try to succeed in my own way.. The pain was beneficial.. I was although, given mercy - way too late, most of the time.

I'm going to watch a documentary with my mom tomorrow (About "synthetics"), has recordings of Alexander/Ann Shulgin and Hamilton Morris etc... Looks really good.

Whatever way my life goes - And I want to explain something first: I didn't accept my life.. I was so idealistic that I lost touch with everything else.. But now that has changed, it's 50%.. I'm trying to be more in tune with my own life.. When I look back at high school (For example), all of those "friends" (I isolated myself from them), they must judge me for that.. But it's okay..

My mind burns and sparks like a plane crash landing withouts wheels.. It won't stop - And I don't want it to stop. When it gets too much? I beg for mercy for such a long time... I give in.. I know that love etc is behind it all.. And anyone that doesn't want to understand, I want to shut them out..

..But that's just not true.. I'm really tolerant of most people.. Until the video chat person, talking to me for 10 minutes. It was the most damaging 10 minutes of my life (Cuz of the DPDR/panic) + The soldiers that I talked to for 3-4 hours. I've always been okay, being friends with sociopaths and such.. I learn from people..

What is there to just give up, and be uncertain about what I don't even know of what I can't let go.