Had my writers' group last night, and woke at 5am (after going to bed at midnight) feeling utterly despondent.

I'm having trouble with my novel's plot (I'm 120 pages into first draft) and wondering if long-term unbearable stress has damaged my brain. I know I used to have a good brain, but I've been limping through life for a long time, struggling just to survive. Physical and mental health have played a big part. I've sold short stories, but never actually finished a novel despite doing some drafts. I've now come up with a good premise, but I've rarely been able to make myself write more than an hour or two a day, maybe a few days a week. At 54 I'd be lucky to sell a novel to a paying publisher no matter how good it is. Yes, some writers are able to publish best-selling novels in their 60s and beyond, but it's very rare for a first time novelist to be older. I'm certainly hopeful but realistic.


And yes, I try not to think about that stuff most of the time.


There are a few indications I might possibly "have what it takes" - such as I recently won 6th place in the Writers Digest international short story competition (genre category). The contest that year had over 6,000 entries across all categories. I also got a Silver Honorable Mention in the Writers of the Future contest.

One of the women in my writers group is a hyper-competent science fiction writer who writes science based stories (I write magic realism or Fantasy usually). She plots out her stories (even short stories) exhaustively and writes every day for several hours, and listens to podcasts, reads books about writing, attends conferences, etc. She's my age. She has published a lot of short stories. I just feel so incompetent next to her. I have never plotted out a novel before and get so intimidated.

I struggle so much with depression and my mental health. And I don't want to become hypo-manic to write a novel. Ugh. I just feel like a child of a lesser god, you know? I can barely drag myself out of bed at 10am most days.

I've had huge psychological blocks to writing a novel, probably because it has always been what I wanted more than anything, and I've had such fear and doubt in myself. Now I'm retired (well, on disability since the summer but a few months from retiring). I finally have time. But I'm feeling overwhelmed. In the last year what with putting our home on the market, selling under huge financial pressure and moving, I just haven't done much.

Bottom line is I've hardly been able to handle the basics of keeping myself and my husband (who is disabled) afloat. I don't even have kids, which is probably a good thing as I don't think I could have handled it. I honestly don't know how some people are able to work 40+ hours a week, raise a family and write brilliant novels.

Truthfully, I've only read a few novels in the last year. I used to read a book a week, just a few years ago. I am anxious hours before a writing group now. The pandemic destroyed the remainder of my social confidence. Ugh.