If you pay attention to what you have shared, once your wife was out of the home environment there was a shift.

Once the alcoholic is not present for a time others begin to feel able to focus because the mood shifts of that disorder don’t invade the environment. You and your children were hostages of her alcoholic mood swings. None of you knew what her mood was going to be. That affects the nervous system of others. That is what exists in codependency. It has an actual physical effect on a spouse and children.

When I was working with a therapist he was very experienced and was able to observe me as I talked and he could see the patterns of stress in me that develop when constantly exposed to the mood swing loops of an alcoholic.

I grew up with this not even realizing the reasons I felt stressed.

And a person with AUD constantly blames others. You never know how long their good mood will be. It depends on how much alcohol is in their system. So in effect you live their disease with them unknowingly. It’s constant drama, unhealthy and at times very toxic.

Honestly, the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is not to have interactions as from what you share you get triggered each time.