You are really up against it. Being where you are at is horrid. You're doing everything you know to do, in terms of accessing treatment. Despite all that effort, you feel so bad. I'm really sorry. You sound like a highly responsible person.

We get told that depression is an illness that medical professionals can "treat." I'm not so sure about that. The "medical model" has been useful. But, really, that's a metaphor, rather than a hard reality. It suggests a certain approach that sometimes proves successful . . . but not always.

By all means, get all the medical help available. There may be some non-medical things that you also need to do. Psych professionals may not have the slightest idea of just what those things are. You may have to figure that out on your own. That's what I found to be true.