I’ve learned via the science that from my FOO love is also attached to hate, dislike, fear, uncertainty, insecurity, intermittent reinforcement. The relationship with my husband brought this to light, caused me the worse, dysfunctional reaction to that disappointment.

He and I spent several hours together yesterday, having a family holiday meal. I am processing what happened and how I feel about it.

1. It’s only me who brings up anything.
2. He maintains he wants to be together with me but has no acknowledgement or clarity of our problems, takes no ownership, responsibility. It’s just one big gaslight from him as though there is no problem. He just wants to come back. He said, “I love you, but you don’t want to be with me.”
3. I said we can call it irreconcilable differences and divorce, move on, or we can live apart while really, truly, understanding and working on the issue. He chose the latter, but has no conception of him having any issue to improve upon. He said he is talking to a therapist but has no idea what to discuss.

So that’s how it is atm which is fine with me. I am not emotionally dysregulated anymore. This is all that is really important to me. I am happy to still have him somewhat in my life and not completely letting go. I was very honest telling him what I want to keep is our family/friendship relationship. I would love for the romantic, intimate relationship to be able to resume in a healthy way again one day, if a lot of work was done to understand and improve. But, honestly, I don’t see him ever growing in that way because he has absolutely no understanding about giving me the tiniest breadcrumbs I beg for. I don’t understand why this is, and I wish a therapist can get to the bottom of this, but I am fine with us being in this holding pattern for now.

I also observed him with our kids. He doesn’t connect with them emotionally either. He doesn’t offer up much in conversation and what he does say is very shallow, not even topics of interest to them.

It was very nice to have the whole family together for this holiday though, and I am glad I did it and included him.