I’m happy there are only two days left in our trip. I’m having fun but I’m anxious to get home. We’ve been taking a lot of walks through different parks though which is helping the anxiety. Today was raining off and on so we went to the Clearwater aquarium. About an hour’s trip from where we are but it was fun. I just love animals so anywhere I can go to see them I’m happy. We stopped at a park on the way back and discovered it was also a bird rescue so we got to see a lot of neat birds of prey. Hawks and owls and things. We saw turtles and wild birds but no allligators this time! Tomorrow we’re going down to another park with a big lake so maybe we will see some more alligators there.

I must be bothered by something still subconsciously because I had a screaming dream last night. I call them that because in the dream there will come a point where I just get so upset over something that’s happening that I just start screaming. In this dream I was worried about work, they sent me a card and someone wrote a threatening note saying they were going to get me committed. I got frustrated with a kid and I just screamed. Not at the kid, just in general. I get these dreams mostly when I know I’m outwardly upset, like in a depressed episode. But I’m not depressed right now. But I am extremely anxious still and I do think it’s the PTSD as mentioned before so that’s probably what created the dream.

I really wish I could get Xanax. Or Ativan but Ativan makes me way loopier than Xanax. I’d prefer the Xanax. I have a pdoc appt next Monday so I might try to drum up the courage to ask him. I don’t need it all the time but I keep having panic attacks and my paced breathing technique is not helping. I hate feeling my heart pounding and feeling like I can’t breathe.

I’ll be home soon. I just have to survive the plane ride back but I do have .25mg of Xanax for that just to keep calm.