I feel your pain, and also your husband's pain. In my own relationship, I've been a bit like your husband. I'm deeply unhappy about my job and because I work with my significant other, I talk about it a lot. And he just can't listen to my "complaints" any longer. It's slightly different from your situation in that because we work together, I feel somewhat legit in telling him things like I'm worried about how this one project is going or I'm angry at the team lead, etc. But bottom line is--he cannot listen to it anymore and I am trying really, really hard not to dump on him, as you put it.

Yesterday, after another pseudo-fight, I was thinking that maybe we need some prepared words, on either side, to sort of avoid entering the loops where I'm dumping my stress on him and he's freaking out. For example, he could have his words (like literally written on an index card): "I feel your pain and know you're really unhappy in your current job, but the only way through is forward at this point. I have a lot going on today myself that I'm worried about, so let's just both of us muddle through our respective responsibilities today and try to decompress this evening." And my words (not in response, just my general words when I need to say them) could be: "I don't expect you to help me and I know you can't help me, I just want to feel that you are aware of how difficult and how painful my work life is right now." And all I want to hear back when I say that is: "I'm aware and I support you."

Anyway, sounds like your husband absolutely needs to be able to talk to...someone. Could you enlist any of his friends/family to take your place? You could frame the request as a favor they would be doing you. The problem with therapists is that they're weekly...and when work misery passes some threshold, what we need is a daily ear. I've actually found this one friend who is an amazing listener (he wants to go into counseling, LOL) and I've recruited him as an alternative ear. Or you could encourage your husband to journal, but not everyone is into that... Again, I try to journal before I bring him any of my problems--it helps, but we still sometimes accidentally enter those loops...

Another of my approaches is also to accept that evenings suck. My job just destroys me everyday. So instead of watching tv together for a few hours--which is kind of bonding but also not very productive--I've started going to bed early and trying to make more of my mornings when I'm fresh. We get along more sweetly and happily at the start of the day, before our stress has built up and turned us into people we're not.

Really sorry about your difficulties with the paperwork, phone calls, and your health. I hope you're able to get all that sorted out and recover in peace.