Good to hear that you are listening to your children and validating them. They really need a presence they feel loved them and wants them to feel safe while they develop their own identity.

Sorting through the disorders in an effort to understand another person can get confusing. I went through this when dealing with my older sister the last 10 years of my parent’s lives. Each therapist I worked with mentioned two disorders saying I was dealing with borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. There are traits that overlap so it isn’t easy. Both exaggerate and lie and have insecure egos. Then add to that the alcohol abuse and often what accompanies that is an addiction to drama and a need to be the center of attention.

There is no room for anyone else to have their own identity. Relationships tend to fall apart both at work and at home or with a partner that is disordered like this. And it’s always someone else’s fault and poor me. It can be a real life ongoing soap opera that wears on everyone and everyone walks on eggshells.

Both these disorders are prone to developing addictions and alcohol use disorder. The best thing to do is distance so you can begin healing and work on establishing your own identity.
It takes time for someone to finally see just how toxic things are and finally realize there is nothing they can do to change the other person.

This type of disordered individual always needs to stand out the most. So partners and children tend to always struggle to feel safe and free to be themselves.