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Originally Posted by DoroMona
This question is uncomfortable and awkward, but may be a bit relevant... How attractive are the women you've been interested in? Are they definitely accessible to a guy like you? I don't mean anything by the "like you". It's just a fact that each of us has a certain range when it comes to partners. What kind of guys do they generally end up with? Sorry, I don't know the best/most polite way to word it. You've described yourself as quite a catch, so I'm just wondering about what type of woman you've been pursuing.
And I guess a follow-up question: how many times have you liked and been friends with a woman who chose someone else?
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How ugly am I? I don't know ... most say I am rather handsome (although long curly hair might not be everybody's cup of tea, I am well aware of that) but I am never sure if people are merely being polite. I think usually the women I fall for are not really beautiful, it is more their attitude and their interests that do draw my attention. I have never thought about which type they fall for but usually it appears to me they opt for somebody who is an expert in one of the things I am just good at.
For me, this happens all the time. I must be heading the same direction for the tenth or twelfth time (I also need more time to recover after each desillusion). Sometimes I wonder whether I am not just waiting too long to be honest about my feelings. But each new experience makes that more difficult for fear of losing what I dó have ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by jesyka
It sounds like you need to improve your self esteem. Are you seeing a therapist or not? If not, then please find one.
You need to show interest in other people &’not just try to impress them with your talents. Do you listen to eomen talk? Or fo you mostly talk. about yourself? Most women want a confident guy.
Try not to wven think about or eorry about being friend zoned. Just be a good friend & one day the right woman will come along. Never try to be friends with women in order to wait around for them to see what a great boyfriend you’d make. Most women can sense this & itself not good.
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You're right about the self esteem. I do however find myself starting from scratch after each failure. I am getting nowhere with that, also because I distrust therapists.
I am not just trying to achieve things. I do talk, I do listen, I do take care for people. And I am starting to worry that is how the women I do fancy see me: as a caring friend. But I do lack the confidence.
Somebody gave me the tip to not linger about too much. To try and show my good side and leave it to that. To not always be there but I'm too much of a good guy when somebody is in distress ...
However, I did manage yesterday evening in a milonga (tango dancing event) where she was hardly asked to dance (as a lady, you kind of have to build up a reputation, especially when there are more ladies then men) to ask her only twice instead of always trying to fill in the gap for her. I think that is what my friend meant. And probably what you mean as well.
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Originally Posted by Rive.
You feel inadequate, you are insecure, you say you don't believe you deserve a relationship... you describe yourself as a bore and that other people should not have to put up with you...
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Two weeks ago, I picked up a sandwich in the train station. The woman at the counter was obiously bored. I made a random joke and I clearly made that a good moment for her. That's who I am, that's what I do. But when I walked away I thought "Well, you can do it, you are not such a bad person at all," which made me cry. There is such a huge gap between what I know about myself and how I feel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive.
Do you think these are attractive traits to potential partners? Are these qualities people would fall for?
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Errr, no. But I have no clue on how to get out of this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive.
If this is how you describe yourself, are you really surprised your crushes inevitably go for someone else?! Work on yourself first. How can you expect others to like you and want to be with you when you don't even seem to like yourself.
This is the energy you are putting out to others and it is not going to attract people, it will push them away.
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And still - believe it or not -, sometimes years later, friends tell me "You only had to ask her out once ..." making me relive all the agony again.
Maybe it is mainly insecurity which makes me linger too long. Maybe I don't always start in the friend zone and maybe it is me putting me there. But I suppose I have too much luggage (and too little time) to solve this.
I have been going to the same therapist for a year and a half now. I am still biulding up trust after a number of negative experiences in therapy. I dont think switching to another T is a good idea: I would have to start out with working on the trust issues all over again and after all I have never felt entirely bad with her. But I have been - and still am - wasting time because my distrust is still in the way. I know that is another issue, but it withholds me from moving on.