Sounds like you are at a point where you realize what a safe environment really means. You have been learning how to listen and see reality instead of chasing an illusion. A toxic person can’t value and respect in healthy ways. This was something you could never fix yet a toxic person will make you think the problem is you. A toxic person interacts in unhealthy ways to have power over.

You are not a bad person, you try hard and you have a good work ethic. The biggest problem you had was how you grew up with a dysfunctional parent. You did not get to see what a healthy relationship is. It is no wonder you had not wanted a relationship.

Your wife created the same environment she grew up in. From what you share she could be Bpd or NPD and she developed an addiction to alcohol. Your wife cannot love you or even her children in a normal healthy way. This is not your fault or your children’s fault. This also is not something you can fix, nor could you have ever fixed.

You have been grieving that. I am sorry as I know first hand how painful it can be and that it takes time to understand and learn how to accept and heal. One of the hardest things to grieve is a person that is still alive. It’s a different kind of loss, yet it’s still a loss.

Your son is a lot like you, yet he has access to more information and support then you had in your past. Your son knows you are a good man, he wants you to see that along with also seeing reality.