(((((((((((((((((((((ginniesky)))))))))))))))))))))))))) It sounds like you may be overwhelmed and could not find another way to deal with your strong emotions. You have a lot going on right now. On the top of the forum there are some ideas of things to do when you feel like SI. Maybe you could look through them and see if any of them seem like they may work for you.

It takes time to work through trauma. The guilt seems to come with the rest. Yes it is misplaced but it takes time to change the destructive thoughts.

I am sorry you are feeling so alone. Know I am here.

BB