RD, if you haven't already, maybe read codependent no more? That deals rather specifically with the kind of questions you have there.

I tell dh (and he doesn't like it) I'm here for him completely, but not at the expense of myself and dd, and only after I'm able to meet my own needs.... You can help or give what you want, but not at the expense of you or your kids. It's a hard line to define, but important too.

Actually, this brings me to something about your previous post.... If you identify as codependent, you are very likely NOT a narcissist. By definition, narcs are very self focused, while codependents are other focused. Both can strive for control in unhealthy ways, but the prize often looks different. The narc is all about number one, while codependent controlling tends to look more like rescuing.

Dh has some relatives who are very dysfunctional and I thought they were horrible codependents, then I realized that no matter what they are doing, they are jockeying for the power position- even when that's being the victim. Now, they both look like narcs to me.