Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer
Ok....
I need some advice. Thinking ahead.
My wife definitely has some BPD and vulnerable narcissist traits.
I also know she endured a lot growing up. I got to know her family well over the years.
I know she was the outcast from her family, and that she carries a lot of pain.
I know there was nothing I could do that was enough to fill that hole, and there was nothing I could do in our home that was enough. I chased moving targets; clean the house, do homework, my car is making a noise, I need help with my degree, get the kids outside so I can have some peace, you didn't even make time for us today...
Right now, though she threatened divorce for years and wrecked her relationship with the kids, she sees herself as the victim. We're at home, doing well. She.... Got what she threatened. She's living a liberated independent life!!! Ummm.... Without her kids, in an apartment, without my income to support her, and without me to look after things when she's sick.
I feel sympathy for her.
What do I do when her "friends" (who she traded us for, and who have ditched her in the past), unload her and she crashes hard?
What do I do when she loses her job, experiences a personal loss, or ends up in hospital again?
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She got exactly what she asked for and wanted - it was her decision. If she crashes, it's her life and her responsibility - not yours. Her life is not your responsibility anymore... even when you were together, her life was not your responsibility -- this is what you've got to hammer into your head each time these thoughts arise.
I support the suggestion of waiting to cross that bridge when you come to it, and sticking to focusing on each new day as it unfolds. No sense in worrying about these things now since they are not happening now. Focus on yourself, your own life, your career, and your children. Stay present for your children each day and in the moment. Didn't you say you're up for a promotion at work? How exciting!
And yes, I think reading a book on codependency would help. That's exactly what this is for you - thinking you must save your wife from her own self, while doing so harms you and the kids.... that's at the crux of codependency.
This is where your inner work lies - breaking free of a long-term codependent habit.
You CAN break free of this, but it's something that must be LEARNED in order to truly break free of the habit.
You need a metaphorical toolkit of codependency tools that you can rely on whenever these thoughts & emotions come up.
Once you have those tools, you can loosen the grip of codependent thoughts and any remaining guilt.