Checking in

Tomorrow I consult with my attorney and figure out how this goes forward. I am so dreading this as it makes this all too real.

I have so many conflicting feelings right now .

I hear that she knows she is damaged from her childhood trauma and I feel for her in this regard because I know it's real .

I know more then I wish about what she went through and it's amazing she's still alive .

When we first met she knew bad things had happened to her but almost all of it was suppressed. When a flashback opened that door about 10 years ago and as she has been trying to heal through her therapy it kept revealing more demons and she became more and more distant and damaged .
She claims this is all so she can focus on her mental health and try to fix herself and that it's unfair to me to have to carry her trauma and how I deserve to be with someone who isn't broken .

The way she says it is like she's doing me a favor except for the fact I've been there through all of this and I only want to be there for her . Isn't that what a good partner does ?

So to try heal herself she destroys me emotionally?? This is such a mindf*ck

On the money stuff she is offering a settlement that gives me a bigger share so I can more easily afford to start over...she wants no support or alimony and wants none of my assets . I realize this is not how this usually goes and we will end up in an uncontested divorce.

Perhaps I'm not able to appreciate this because to me the emotional hurt dwarfs any monetary aspects of this, at least in my mind currently.

She was/is my everything and I'm still very much in shock , im looking for another house as we speak because I have to . I need to survive this if for no other reason then to say she didn't actually destroy me but at the moment it's hard to care about anything. I'm forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to go to work when all I want to do is just decend into the darkness.

All I keep asking myself is Who am I ?
What value to I have ? What is my purpose in life ? Why should I bother with anything when the person I felt was like a part of me is casting me out . Not in a good place ATM .

Talking to my therapist tonight which is good .