This
"keep doing the best you can living up to your own code of ethics and morals. In my mind, the fact that the kids are with you says a lot about you.

It hurts like hell though, doesn't it?"

Hits me hard.

I think she had the underpinnings to be a vulnerable narcissist.

I think I hurt her in ways she can't recover from.

And while I say that, I also know we were far closer and more compatible in 2015, 16, and 17 than in later years.

I think at some point, guilting me with my past porn viewing, and any other possible slight, became her way.

I think me actually having some expectations if accountability paved the way to the end. She dodge every discussion of accountability.

The thing that keeps me from fully blaming myself is that there were completely, completely outlandish actions and ways of thinking, and no attempt at self regulation with eating, sleeping, and alcohol, but MOSTLY how she treated the kids.

If I was the most physically abusive butthole ever, she still wouldn't have had cause to treat the kids how she did.

I'm ashamed of the things I did and the times I hurt her. She was my wife, and I hurt her. She hurt our kids. Where is the shame and apology for that?

I've had some good days lately, but wow the last 2 or 3 have been a setback.