Rd, I had a similar experience with dh in 2018. Made a simple request and he became overtly verbally aggressive and abusive in a way I'd never seen him before. He went off the rails and I literally shut down and began walking on eggshells. I've since learned what it sounds like you already figured out, which is that when you back down, it doesn't calm them down, it empowers them. He just got worse and worse until it got to the point it got so bad that I stopped feeling much of anything when dealing with him. It backfired on him. My emotional investment has become so limited at this point, it naturally stripped him of much of his control.

That kind of reaction and power grab are the signs of a very disordered person.

That's definitely some grade A deflection going on there. How easy a cop out is it for her to throw that in your face every time she doesn't like what you are saying? She never has to answer for anything because she's got her trump card.

You can only do what you can do, and there are healthy limits to the things you should do. You can honestly say you are sorry and let her decide if she's okay with that or not, but you don't have to be shamed and tortured for the rest of all time. The problem is that they are like 3 year olds, and they stick to very easy bully or spoiled brat techniques. We have to just stop indulging them and get on with our lives.

One of my favorite chapters in codependent no more is titled something to the effect of "have a love affair with yourself.". Holy mackerel, I've never treated anybody as badly as I allow myself to be treated. Its hard, but I try to step back and think about how I would take care of me if I was a third party. It's usually a whole heckuva lot better than I'm taking care of myself at present. It's a good barometer for how you should be nuturing yourself.

You deserve a lot more care and nuturing than you have gotten, so give it to yourself instead. Forgive yourself, heck, hug yourself (weird, but I do it and it's better than nothing), indulge yourself a little, take care of yourself.