I left him a message yesterday to tell him of my horrible experience taking one dose of Seroquel (I will never take that drug again). I didn't tell him to call back or anything, but he called me today.

He told me he could only imagine how frustrated I must be at this point. Then he told me (for the 90 millionth time) about how whole and grounded I feel as a therapist and how much of a positive thing this is for me right now. I have been engaging in sort of a push/pull thing with him lately about how he constantly focuses on the my work as a therapist (which I agree with 100% about), but I feel as though he is not acknowledging all of the pain and bad stuff that is going on along with that.

I started to get frustrated and exasperated about everything all at once. I said, "Mother %#@&#!!" Then I began to cry. He said, "Ok. What is going on for you now?" I gave the brilliant and mature response of, "Nothing." He told me he was not ignoring the pain I was going through. I continued to cry a bit. I could feel that he was about to wrap up the conversation. He said, "Ok. Well, I will see you Tuesday." Then he told me to try my meditation again to help me sleep. I said, "Okay. Bye." And that was that.

When we got off of the phone all I could think was that as soon as I started to cry, he didn't feel like dealing with it, so he ended the conversation. However, he did give me the opportunity to tell him what was wrong. I chose to say, "Nothing."

I was also bothered because I was trying to tell him that it was fine that I am a full-time therapist now, but in a few months being a therapist would no longer be the center of my life-- doctoral school would. And school is a lot more difficult to deal with while having an illness, than being a therapist is. He told me I was getting ahead of myself again and that I needed to focus on being in the moment. He wasn't hearing me. Or maybe he was. He didn't understand. Or maybe he did. He was wrong. Or maybe he was right. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I am so sensitive to every word he says, every action, every movement, everything.