This quote was from a different thread and it really resonated within me and reminded me of a really tough night and I'd like to share it .


QUOTE=Open Eyes;7326199]Her identity is the victim, accountability would take the power she gets from playing the victim. The most this kind of individual will do is say they behaved bad BUT it was out of defense. It’s always deflection and never really being truthful about their part.

The truth is they are “cowards”.[/QUOTE]

2 months ago my wife was really drunk ( 3 real strong proof rum and cokes ) and proceeded to start yelling at me about the smallest thing .

I walked into the kitchen to help her with stuff in the oven that she was struggling with because she was drunk and swearing saying "ow **** this is hot" she had previously asked me to never go in the kitchen while she is in there as it triggers her as that's where her parents often used to beat her as a child . I knew she was drunk and probably burning her hands so I went in to help as I didn't want her to hurt herself in her state .....NOT OK when I saw her getting triggered I immediately backed up out of the room and gave her space ...Not Good Enough!!

The next night I tried to again apologize to her as she had thus far only said she would try to forgive me.
She again was drunk and She read me the riot act which then turned into a handful of things she cherry picked from the past(some from years ago) things we had already worked thru and forgave each other for .
This went on for over 45 minutes while I just took it and said I'm sorry, please stop yelling at me you're hurting me, I was only trying to help you it sounded like you were burning yourself. Her response was ...." I'm just being brutally honest" and she continued berating me, telling me this is why she wants a divorce. Reemphasizing the same points over and over . It felt very much like abuse
I left the room went up to the bedroom and locked myself in. I knew she had the key but I felt I needed to ground myself.

The next day I woke up with her in the bed, I got up and went to work she texted me at work apologizing for the way she treated me and how she was afraid that she was a narcissist and abusive just like her parents . How her actions last night was proof of that being possible. How it was unacceptable and asked for forgiveness.

I told her I forgave her and let it go, respected that she had owned her mistake, taken accountability and left it at that. I was happy thinking perhaps this was progress and we handled the aftermath of that incident well .

Three days later she offered up another explanation for how she treated me . She said perhaps she wasn't abusive to me, that perhaps her actions/how she treated me were in fact "reactive abuse" and ok .

Months later she still brings this incident up in arguments defending her actions and choices .

It felt very much like her always
thinking she is the victim in our struggles . Sometimes she owns her accountability for stuff and then other times it's like this . Lots of come here ...no go away stuff.

With the divorce going forward I imagine there will be less of that .