Your dream sounds hopeful. Like maybe you can imagine having another relationship in the future? Healing can be slow, but that sounds like a positive sign.

Waking up, coming back to reality, and feeling sad isn't fun. BTDT.

Your wife sounds like she's in a terrible place and, unfortunately, took it out on you. My DH did the same to me, and I allowed him to make excuses for his behavior and abuse, rather than put down good boundaries. Truth is, I had no idea how to do that when it started. That's one thing I learned late, is that it doesn't matter how bad someone else's situation is, whether they are sick, traumatized, etc, they have no right to be abusive as a result. They can be as angry as the need to be (internal reaction), but that doesn't give them a green light to be aggressive (external reaction).

You sound like you tried to be so understanding of her situation and just nothing helped. The pull you in, push you out that you describe sounds a little like borderline, which tends to be connected to childhood trauma. Hopefully you haven't ended up with your own dose of PTSD as a result of being mistreated by your wife's issues.

Hope today is a good day.