I only agree with the schizophrenia diagnosis (And did back then - When I was diagnosed), cuz of the "negative symptoms". Mine were so bad. Anhedonia for example.. I remember searching Google (8 years ago) about "anhedonia" and there weren't many search results.. Just some guy posting on a forum about "Trying every medication with (his) psychiatrist and seeing what works" (With a bunch of people following it..) In the end, he found Parnate helpful.. But that was about it.

I was .. crazy.. There was no stopping me. But all is good now.. But "negative symptoms" can also be symptoms of autism..

When I first came into the ER, the psych nurse/psychologist was talking with my mom about "Autism with psychosis" (And they were talking about the autism, symptoms from when I was a baby..) - And I think that it's still true to this day...

I did pretend that I didn't have autism (But it was obvious to everyone) - So I missed out on learning coping mechanisms/techniques/rehabilitation for the disorder.. And was left in the dark for so long.. My mind deteriorated severely (Through isolation), and then I tripped... Built myself back up again (Since 7 years ago).

Autism usually means (With OCD/ADHD + AvPD)... I have a friend with this.. And she's a complete genius.. Has autism much worse than me.. But it can be some type of gift (At least for her). For me, it's like "almost autism" - And I have so much insight.. and yknow..

The main thing people have been telling me with the "schizophrenia" diagnosis, is that I have "so much insight". I was put on the antipsychotic.. Cuz of "Early onset schizophrenia" (To prevent it from becoming worse) - But the Abilify made me completely nuts.. Sooooo impulsive. But I was also young too..

Things have gotten so much better.. I don't regret much (Except the stimulant abuse) - I'm pretty normal (Especially compared to the kids growing up now..), a lot of.. hormones and chemicals in the tap water and what we eat.. Estrogen (Possibly from milk) "Drink the milk - It's good for you (Since the 1950's or w/e)", it caused her breast cancer.. and my brother (Gay) + me (LGBT). My brother seems to have some type of autism or schizoid. My sister is fine, spiritual, smart etc... We're all smart.. Not stupid... (Although I did act really stupid.. impulsive, back then..).

And like the Universe 25, experiment (Repeated 25 times, same effect) of society.. it decays.. But there needs to be a full variety of genes/variants in DNA - To give humanity the best possible chances of surviving.. Elon Musk, yeah.. go to the stars, populate other planets.. But instead of shooting metal rockets into the sky, how about look within?? Be more receptive.. Let it come to you.. Such as smoking DMT, meeting alien entities.. Respect nature maybe.

And what I know now (Especially with deep philosophical DPDR thoughts/panic attacks?), the meaning of life is nothing.. but to associate it with your own meaning, or collective, for humanity - The spirits.. Life is a huge soup of everything - And it burns into your eyes like film in the dark.. For every experience.. Everything exists, everywhere, all at once = Nothing. God? Love I'd say.. and nothing. Like what you can find on a salvia or 5-MeO-DMT (Toad venom) trip. And salvia.. Like psychosis.. Dynorphin (The opposite of endorphin/feel good pain killer chemical..), the more you smoke - The less you need..

And with psychiatry? It seems like pseudoscience. It works as long as you don't think too deeply or use any critical thinking.. People suffer immensely, and there's labels.. all that with venn diagram, overlaps with each other. I'd hope to get off the Invega injection eventually - Although it's doing no harm.. and prevents agitated psychosis (Pretty much), but also is antagonizing my serotonin receptors, so I dose a little agonists to balance it out. I think the cure to schizophrenia is antipsychotics + psychedelics. Dextroamphetamine seems to make my "psychosis" even better.. And I'm still not 100% sure what psychosis is.. Everyone has schizophrenia (If you really think about it - In a dissociative sense..) - People with schizophrenia say "I'm God" - But really, that's just an undeveloped thought.. How about "God has schizophrenia?" - Cuz all of his creations would be hallucinations right? .. Just like how everything is divine, infinite, connected and weaved through each other in the soul factory, pin points as "experiences". In near death experiences, people report feeling emotions that resemble the experience of their whole life all at once.. And you can travel to the astral realm through some ways - People have access to it..

Dissociative memories/imagination, like.. Sometimes when I look in the mirror? I make a sign, "This will show up in my ex gfs dream during this lifetime - Or somewhere in the afterlife etc".. I'd hate to be one of those people that push others to be "Crazy" - Like the meth woman I met in the psych ward, she said "We will meet again" (So many people there said that to me..), "You seem too smart.. Smoke meth! It's okay to be stupid!"..

And 46mg of clonazepam, I'm sure it gave me delirium.. There was 10 people in my room (That weren't there), and the rebound? Heightened stimulating neurotransmitters.. I knew that psychiatrist don't know what they're doing, and they tried to control me.. I just wanted what ever med to help me.. But allll spread out, into some experience.. I've learned much.. I feel bad for people in certain tormented states, but they can be helped - Through meditation, time, being hit by a car, etc... Who the hell knows how to figure it out. And free will? You can say that "The world could change if everyone wanted to" - But also limited to "This is how it is right now" - We can predict the future.. But it's not accurate, unless some transforming geometric objective form (Maybe divine, close..) guides us - Starting by throwing an apple in some volcano, given the gift of all the shamans, and what they've done.. And quantum computing, artificial intelligence... All I think from now is "panpsychism", "panentheism"... Everything has consciousness.. From salvia, you can experience how it is to become a cup of coffee.. Tree and forest thing? That's me.. Science will make the last discovery, staring at me (God - But also you, everyone + itself), just a mirror.. Matter is a mirror that reflects light..

If you'd like, I'll find a video later (I thought it was funny, obviously made by someone with schizophrenia - But can show how ridiculous psychiatry can be). I'll be back.. I have to assemble a table for my mom..