Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Ptsd steals away from a person.
What is concerning is her increasing use of alcohol because she doesn’t want to experience the symptoms of the ptsd.
You share how you enjoyed many good years together. If there was a personality disorder like NPD there would not have been so many good years like you describe.
The thing about ptsd is the person struggling realizes that they will never be that person again. They don’t even know how to explain. When they try the responses they get shows them how others don’t realize how genuinely crippling it can get.
I was lucky to find a therapist that was experienced with n treating ptsd patients. He never made me feel bad about any of the symptoms or flashbacks.
He told me there is a sort of ribbon that all these traumas hang off of. That after working through the traumas you slowly see the ribbon that connects them together. That’s when you begin to regain some power and healing. But she has to stop using the alcohol. She needs to find a medication that is calming but allows her to learn and heal.
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I still love her and care about her and feel for her struggles.
At the same time whether she meant this or didn't mean this makes very little difference for me and my life and how I feel.
I'm equally destroyed either way, regardless of her intent .
Whether she is "trying to save me from her stuff and is trying to buckle down on the root of her problems by focusing exclusively on her issues by isolating herself."
How she "wants me to be happy and knows she can't make me happy as broken as she is and how she doesn't want me to feel guilty if I found someone else " <<<<her words are they true, can I believe her at all anymore?
Of course that is often followed up by a request to promise her not to date anyone else until it's finalized....
As if I'm anywhere close to being ready to look for something else yet . I probably won't even think about that for a long time as I'll need to get my head on straight and find me before I'm any good to someone else .
It staggers me she worries about that...she even was snooping in my phone logs about a month ago asking me who Jane was as her number was in my phone logs on the website from the cell carrier.
I calmly explained that I had in fact called Jane, she works for NAMI the national alliance on mental illness and was seeking information on support groups for spouses of who are survivors of abuse and suffer with PTSD because I wanted to improve how I could support her better emotionally and perhaps help her cope. She even called Jane to ask her if she was having an affair with her husband. I know this because Jane's supervisor contacted me to let me know . This definitely suggested the level of struggle she is dealing with and I want to empathize with that but look at my life ATM . Is it just that she is this broken or is she is just heartless and playing with my emotions and has been for a while . I'll never know as can I truly trust any of her words now ?
Either way the outcome is the same .
I really don't want to shut the door forever as I wish we could work this out still even now or down the road after she figures out some of her problems. So I want us to not part in a bad way
Am I a fool for wishing for that or thinking like that ? Hoping for that ?
Need to build the bed but so far all I can do is look at the parts . Trying to work up the motivation .